When you’re gone …
- Nicola Banning
- 15 hours ago
- 4 min read
‘I don’t want any fuss’. It’s what people often say when they start talking about what they’d like to happen – or more specifically, not happen when they die. I talk to people more than most about death and dying, and not wishing to make assumptions I’ll usually ask, ‘What do you mean by the word fuss?’ I’ve learnt that loosely translated it means, ‘I don’t want a traditional sombre funeral with a black hearse and black clothes and which costs lots of money,’ or, ‘Everyone just wants to get it over with.’
Fair enough; times change. And in a secular society, we’re finding other ways of responding to one of life’s only certainties. A recent report by SunLife reveals that 20% of people are now choosing to opt for a direct cremation, otherwise known as an unattended cremation. Their growth in popularity has been fuelled by adverts on daytime TV, promising that direct cremation is the low-cost, no-fuss option that allows your family to spend what might have been paid out on your funeral, on something else instead.
It sounds all right, doesn’t it? And maybe it’s exactly the right choice for you, and your family has given you the green light (if indeed you needed one). But here’s the thing. When someone we love dies, and even when the death is expected, it is still a shock. We don’t really know how we will respond until it happens. And we don’t know what we will need. Death can take our breath away and make the ground underneath us feel shaky. Because everything is the same and nothing is the same.
So, let’s imagine that you’ve opted for a pre-paid direct cremation, and a week after your death your husband or wife feel they need to come and see you to make it real. Or, that your son or daughter, sibling or grandchild decides that they need to write you a letter and want to put it in your coffin with you. Or, a rose in your garden started to bloom a day after you died and your family decides they must send you on your way with a few stems.
Rituals like these are as old as time; a vital step in the process of letting go. They’re offerings which fulfil a deep human need to honour our dead. And however painful, these rituals are helpful too. But none of this can happen when you buy a direct cremation package from a big corporate provider.
Instead, when you die, your body will be collected. You will be taken into storage, possibly some distance away. Your family will not be able to visit you. You will be cremated in the clothes or hospital gown you died in. And your family won’t know the name of the person who is looking after you.
A common response to this is, ‘Well, I won’t care because I’ll be dead’. Which is true. But those closest to you will have to face the consequences of being left without any choices, feeling powerless, out of control and sometimes even guilty. So, alongside the rising popularity of direct cremations, another story is unfolding. Which is that when we don’t get to say goodbye to someone we love, it can leave messy and unforeseen complications, potentially interfering with our natural responses to a bereavement.
It's why, after a direct cremation, families can feel a sense of lack, as if something is missing.
It's why, after a direct cremation, families can feel a sense of lack, as if something is missing. There can be a need to then hold a ceremony or a celebration of life which brings everyone together to honour and remember their person, and to acknowledge the reality of what has taken place.
A good ceremony should offer hope and offer healing, and as one young woman put it after the celebration of life we held for her mum: ‘I think we really captured something special and I know Mum would have been really proud. We're so glad with how everything went and we do feel different now, having held the ceremony to celebrate her life.’ I’ve helped families to hold a celebration of life at home in their sitting room, out in the garden in summer, in a pub and in a village hall – it really doesn’t have to cost the earth.
This year, the theme for National Grief Awareness Week 2025 is growing with grief – because when someone we love dies, with the right conditions, we can grow, heal and return to hope. So, if you are thinking about buying a pre-paid direct cremation, be sure you’ve done your research and that you understand what it will really mean for your family when you die. And before you decide, I recommend you contact your local independent funeral director and talk to them about how they can help. You’ll find their direct cremation cost may even match the big providers, and your family will benefit from being able to visit the premises, talk to a compassionate and professional human being and have more choice about how they say goodbye to you. All of this will help the people you love to heal as they pick up the pieces of their lives when you’re gone.
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