If you’ve not been following the dark events unfolding at a funeral directors in Hull, then I’m sorry that what follows makes for grim reading. Back in March, and following a report of concern of care for the deceased, Humberside Police began investigating Legacy Independent Funeral Directors. Since then, police have been in touch with hundreds of families who have used Legacy’s funeral services for someone they loved.
While the investigation is still ongoing, it’s been reported that families paid for a cremation, believing their loved one to have been cremated and collected what they thought to be their loved one’s ashes. In recent weeks, it’s transpired that the police have formally identified 35 bodies found at the premises which include those who were believed to have been cremated and a quantity of ashes.
I struggle to find any words to adequately respond to the depravity, abuse of power and pain inflicted on those families in Hull.
And, so feeling lost for words, I wonder if there is anything that we can learn from recent events that could serve us when we are faced with planning a funeral for someone we love – and by ‘we’, I mean you, me and anyone who might be arranging a funeral now or in the future.
I think there is. At Death Café, I’m hearing people talk more often about working on their ‘death box’ – that is, a box to file everything that will help the person closest to you tasked with dealing with your affairs, should you fall under the proverbial bus. Typically, your death box is your end-of-life planning and it contains your will, LPAs for both health and welfare and property and finance, your funeral wishes e.g. your preference for burial or cremation at the very least, your choice of funeral director, bank details and the many passwords needed to enter your digital world.
The death box is an act of love, for in the immediate aftermath of the death of someone close, we inhabit an in-between space – where nothing is as it was – and the future is not how it was supposed to be either. At least, in the space in between, the death box offers a path, for those that survive you, offering reassurance that they are heading in the right direction. And so, wherever you are with your end-of-life or funeral planning, doing your research in advance and when you are not in a place of trauma and crisis is a good starting point.
Be proactive
There’s every reason to make calls and arrange meetings with funeral directors and funeral celebrants to find out if you like them and to see if they ‘feel’ right for you and your family. I welcome calls from people who are ‘trying to find the right celebrant’ for someone they love, or even making plans for their own funeral. Sometimes that’s me and sometimes it’s not – but all I ever want is for the family to find the right person for them.
There’s every reason to make calls and arrange meetings with funeral directors and funeral celebrants to find out if you like them and to see if they ‘feel’ right for you and your family
Trust your gut
While doing my own research, I met and decided on the funeral celebrants we would engage for both my mum and my dad’s ceremonies, many months before they died. It helped that I’d established a relationship with the celebrant and I knew at a gut level that I could trust them both to hold us all, which they did, beautifully.
Notice what works
When you go to a funeral, remember to pay attention to what you are feeling, and notice what you like or don’t like – this could be important information for you, your family and something that you can add to your death box. For example, ‘I loved it that everyone wrote a message on the coffin’.
Closing words
And finally, when it comes to funeral planning, I’d recommend that you approach it the way you might if you were engaging someone to help you with some of life’s other challenges (albeit much less emotionally charged), such as, a burst pipe or a leaking roof. Firstly, ask the people you trust for their best recommendations. Be sure to phone at least three possible options and get quotes. Follow up these phone calls with visits to the premises and meetings face-to-face so that you can experience them in person. Make sure you ask any questions that you would like answered including about prices. And then after your meeting ask yourself; Did I feel listened to? Did I trust them? And did I feel safe with them?
How you answer these questions might be a guide as to what you decide to do next – but if the answer isn’t ‘yes’ to any of them, I’d suggest that it’s probably time to get on with some more research.
For more information about death, dying and end-of-life planning, you can join Nicola Banning and Jane Diamond of Family Tree Funeral Company at The Three Storeys on Thursday 9th May, 7 – 9 pm as part of Dying Matters Awareness week, a national initiative run each year by Hospice UK to raise awareness about death and dying. For tickets: https://www.threestoreys.co.uk/whatsonarticles/dyingmatters123
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