Over 20 years ago, I remember a couple telling me enthusiastically about how they’d been to a really good funeral. Curious, I asked them what was so good about it. The mood was relaxed, they told me; informal and joyful with people sitting and chatting before the ceremony started. A sense of lightness filled the room and it just felt different.
That was when they realised that the coffin was missing. Generous to the end, their dear friend had elected to donate his body for medical research, hence the absence of both body and coffin. It was their first experience of a coffin-free funeral, offering an alternative glimpse of how a funeral could be. They liked what they saw and how it felt to be present.
That couple were my parents and this formative experience of a coffin-free funeral helped inform their thinking about what they wanted when it was their turn. In short, they did not want to be present at their own funeral. Their decision was borne out of attending too many traditional funerals for people they loved – black hearse, male coffin bearers and the funeral director with the silver cane – and feeling let down by a ceremony that was empty and devoid of meaning. Now they’d witnessed a coffin-free funeral that was rich in truth, love and meaning they knew what they wanted.
True to their wishes both had direct cremations and we held beautiful celebrations of their lives some weeks later. Their ceremonies were loving, memorable and healing. However, I know many people who find the very idea of a direct cremation (a funeral that is not attended) distressing and uncaring – so it’s not for everyone. But direct cremations are undoubtedly growing in popularity following the impact of the pandemic and the cost-of-living crisis. A report by Dr Kate Woodthorpe and Dr Hannah Rumble at the University of Bath, following their three-year study into funeral choices and the impact on grief makes for interesting reading.¹
Yet there’s a concern that too many people may be choosing direct cremations simply because they’ve only ever attended funerals which have left them asking the question; well, what was the point of that? Others don’t want to inflict their experiences of an underwhelming funeral on their nearest and dearest. Instead, they opt for a direct cremation to save the family money and the distress of an event that at its worst feels pointless. But it doesn’t need to be this way.
Yet there’s a concern that too many people may be choosing direct cremations simply because they’ve only ever attended funerals which have left them asking the question; well, what was the point of that?
Working as a celebrant, I want families to know what choices they have and to choose whatever feels right for their loved one and their family. And it doesn’t have to cost the earth. I’ve witnessed beautiful funerals that are full of heart and soul with the coffin present and which can be incredibly healing for family and friends. And I’ve witnessed wonderful memorials and celebrations of life which are held coffin-free and are equally healing. Neither are better or worse, just different.
But, if you do choose a direct cremation and find, as I did, that you are still left wondering how you might say goodbye to the person you love and their physical presence on earth, you might want to talk to your funeral director. We used Poppy’s Funerals in London and I will never forget how lovingly Philippa helped me to work through our final arrangements to say goodbye to my mum. This quality of care is more likely if you are using a small and independent funeral director. In our case, we were able to visit a simple chapel for our final farewell which was just perfect.
So, firstly, ask your funeral director if you can come and sit with your family member and just be with them. If you don’t want the coffin to be open you can let them know. You might like to write your loved one a letter, a card, or pick some flowers to leave on their coffin. Next, if it’s important to you, ask your funeral director what time the direct cremation is booked for. This means that you can choose how you mark this time.
And finally, it’s up to you what you do or don’t do but I’ve found it can help to acknowledge that the cremation is actually happening and to carve out some time. You will know what feels right for you but it could be that you choose to light a candle, spend time in a place that has special meaning for you and your loved one, be in nature or gather with loved ones and share a meal.
References
1 https://www.bath.ac.uk/case-studies/direct-cremation-the-post-pandemic-future-of-funerals/
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